The funniest Amazon review ever?

22 Nov

Amazon logo

Veet
Customer Reviews
6,825 of 7,054 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Oh the shame…., 3 July 2012
By
A. Chappell (Denmark) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 (HT Linda Grant)

10 years of empty predictions: Vote for your favourite Third Intifada Prophet

3 Nov
Diskin

Former Shin Bet chief Yuval Diskin: A late run for the coveted top prophet spot

Yuval  Diskin, the former head of Israel’s Shin Bet secret service, has joined the swelling ranks of the Third Intifada Prophecy Support (TIPS) Group.

“All conditions are there for a Palestinian mass to rise up,” Diskin wrote in Yedioth Ahronoth this weekend.

It was a bold play for a prominent position in the overcrowded TIPS club, which includes many leading Middle East commentators and politicians.

The “Third Intifada” industry has been a colossal failure of punditry, outranking the “Palestinian Arab Spring” commentary club and the “King Abdullah’s days are numbered” round table.

But media pundits are paid to entertain and dazzle, not to be accurate. Which of the many predictions of a third intifada made on such a regular basis since (I kid you not) 2003 actually had you going? Steven A. Cook in The New Republic in 2009? Tony Karon in Time in 2010? Or Richard Cohen’s late run in The New York Times in 2013?

OK, they were all wrong, but which was the most convincing? Do you have your own favourite? Add it to the comments below and take a moment to vote for your choice as the best Third Intifada Prophet in our exclusive reader poll.

  • “Reopening the Temple Mount to non-Muslims would lead to a third intifada against Israel, one of Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat’s top aides warned Sunday. Ahmed Abdel Rahman, a senior political adviser to Arafat, said: ‘This could be the trigger for a third intifada.’ – Jerusalem Post, May 18, 2003
  • “The third Intifada could be looming like an approaching tsunami.” – Fred Schlomka, Jordan Times, May 25, 2006
  • “The ongoing brutality and harassment are fuelling a growing tension that will likely one day explode into a third intifada.” – Anna Baltzer, Electronic Intifada, April 30, 2007
  • “With a month left to go before the Annapolis summit, the Palestinians and Israelis are already basing their projections on the likelihood of it failing. And as different as these may be, they all proceed from the expectation of a third Intifada in the immediate aftermath of its collapse.” – Saleh Al-Naami, Al-Ahram Weekly, October 17, 2007
  • “Get ready for the third intifada.” – Haaretz editiorial, March 2, 2008
  • “A senior Palestinian official says Israeli government is prompting a new “intifada” (uprising) among Palestinians by its settlement expansion in the West Bank.” – Press TV, September 6, 2009
  • “The situation in the occupied Palestinian territories, especially East Jerusalem, is balanced on a knife edge and could erupt at any moment into a new explosion of violence or even a third intifada.” – Hussein Ibish, The Daily  Star, October 13, 2009
  • “The dynamics of Palestinian politics indicate that a third intifada is likely to erupt in the near future. ” – Steven A. Cook, New Republic, November 16, 2009
  • “Fatah had (sic) made a strategic decision to declare a third intifada against Israel, movement officials told Nazereth-based newspaper Hadith Anas, citing the failed peace talks as the reason for their resolution.” – Jack Khoury, Haaretz, November 20, 2009
  • “Some Palestinians are speaking about the possibility of a third Intifada, or uprising.” – Erika Solomon, Reuters, March 1, 2010
  • “Last Friday’s confrontations between Israeli police and stone-throwing Palestinian youths in Jerusalem may be a portent that the latest round of peace talks could, in fact, be starting under the cloud of a looming intifadeh.” – Tony Karon, TIME, March 8, 2010
  • Is third intifada a stone’s throw away? – Omar Karmi, The National, March 21, 2010
  • “It seems the break out of a third intifada is only a matter of time. Friday could be the day the phoenix rises from the ashes.” – Malik Samara, Al Akhbar, September 26, 2010
  • “Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says a third intifada could break out over failed negotiations between the Palestinian Authority and Israel.” – Haaretz, January 23, 2011
  • “Third Intifada Underway” – Dr. Ashraf Ezzat, Salem-News, May 8, 2011
  • “If Adnan is to die, a third intifada is to rise.” – Richard Falk, UN Special Rapporteur on Situation of Human Rights in Palestine, to Ahram Online, February 17, 2012
  • “All of the incidents reveal a clear trend – we’re facing an intifada. The hunger-striking prisoners and the tense demonstrations, the violent clashes during which Palestinian civilians are killed, and the frozen peace process – all indicate that we’re sitting on a barrel of dynamite. It may very well be that Jaradat’s death will turn out to have been the match that lit it.” – Kadoura Fares, quoted in The Times of Israel, February 24, 2013
  • “The Hamas leader warned that Obama’s visit to al-Aqsa Mosque — Islam’s third holiest site — if accompanied by Israeli security forces will have ‘catastrophic ramifications on the current political situation.’ Bardawil predicted that a third intifada is on the horizon.” – Abeer Ayyoub, Al-Monitor, February 28, 2013
  • “A new spasm of fruitless violence, perhaps even a third intifada, is possible.” – Roger Cohen, New York Times, July 22, 2013

20 Years of Goodbyes – Collect the full set of Saeb Erekat resignations

1 Nov
SaebErekat Now

SAEB EREKAT: Can it really be goodbye, or is it just “au revoir” like all the other times?

Which is your favourite Saeb Erekat resignation? Now you can collect the full set of Jericho bombshells, going back more than 20 years!

BREAKING, BREAKING, BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 22 (Ma’an)

AND…. HE’S BACK!

Another Palestine Liberation Organization official will replace Shtayyeh and join Chief Negotiator Saeb Erekat in a negotiation session scheduled for next week.

BREAKING, BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 17 (AFP)

The Palestinian negotiating team led by Saeb Erekat resigned in protest although their resignation was never formally accepted by Abbas.

“The delegation to the talks handed in its resignation which we have still not accepted,” he told AFP, saying the leadership had not yet decided what to do about it.

BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 14 (PLO)

“This time it’ s for real” says PLO

BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 3 (Haaretz)

Chief Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat backtracks on threats to resign

COLLECT THE FULL SET

Slide9

Latest hit: October 2013

Slide1

Trial by Television: Al-Jazeera’s “Palestine Papers” in 2011

Slide3

Roadmap to nowhere: 2003 hit

Slide8

A little help from my friends: 2002 group exit

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Group offer rejected: an earlier attempt in 2002

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When you gotta go… you sometimes can’t. 1998

Slide4

1993: Brave first attempt that launched a 20-year career of resignations

Jerusalem “Mayor for a Day” tourist goes home

24 Oct
Lion Bibi Yvet

Moshe Lion (right) with one guy who backed him and another who didn’t. “I had a great visit to Jerusalem,” said Lion before returning home. “I may come again”

Moshe Lion, the tourist who came to Jerusalem to participate in the “Mayor for a Day” reality show has ended his trip to the city.

“I had a great visit to Jerusalem. I may come again,” said Lion.

The accountant from Givatayim admitted he never quite found his way around the city and apologized to his supporters for going the wrong way during the crucial Polling Day section of the reality show, which was broadcast live on Israeli TV.

Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat said he had plans to attract more tourists to Jerusalem but said he had mixed feelings about them standing for election during their stay.

Meanwhile, reality show producer Aryeh Deri, the man behind the wildly successful productions “Mayor for a Day,” “Big Black Funeral,” and “Supreme Court Siege” said he had more hit ideas up his sleeve.

Industry insiders say Deri is working on a prison drama based on his personal experience with the working title “Black is the New Black.”

Netanyahu mulls Bar Refaeli as Bank of Israel Governor

20 Oct
Bar Blue

Refaeli on the red carpet at Cannes. Is she ready for the top position?

Bar Refaeli has emerged as the front-runner in the race to become the next governor of the Bank of Israel.

“We’re looking for a woman who’s good with figures and I can’t think of anyone better,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has told associates.

Netanyahu was apparently inspired by her interview to Yedioth Ahronoth on Friday in which she lamented her failure to find a long-term boyfriend and expressed her desire to settle down with an Israeli husband and have children.

“I like the way she manages her personal fortune, most of which is held offshore in the direction of Cyprus, like our gas reserves,” said Netanyahu.

Refaeli told Yedioth that women should be “wooed” with flowers and gifts. “See? She’s already developing ideas to boost spending and kick-start the small business economy,” said Netanyahu.

UPDATE: Netanyahu and Finance Minister Yair Lapid announced Sunday they had chosen current deputy governor Karnit Flug instead. “I got confused,” said Netanyahu. “All these women…”

Arab states move to ban brains

9 Oct

Nobel

(Manama, October 9, 2013)  Kuwait and other Gulf states are planning to introduce strict medical tests to detect anyone capable of winning a Nobel Prize.

A central committee tasked with the status of expatriates will look into the proposal when it convenes on November 11, Yousuf Mindkar, the director of public health at the Kuwaiti health ministry, has said.

“Health centres conduct the routine medical check to assess the health of the expatriates when they come into the GCC countries,” he said. “However, we will take stricter measures that will help us detect intelligent people who will be then barred from entering Kuwait or any of the GCC member states,” he said, quoted by a local daily.

Nobel prizewinning is banned in Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates, the GCC member countries.

In Bahrain, lawmakers, wary of the growing number of educated people coming into the country, had pushed for a crackdown, including the adoption of tougher immigration measures and prompt deportations.

In Kuwait, prison terms for modern or educated behaviour can reach 10 years if the people involved were under the age of 21.

GCC states stepped up their campaign against international scientific achievement after three Israelis won Nobel Prizes in Chemistry and Physics this week.

“Where will this end?” asked a senior GCC official. “We have to stop this now before there are women driving cars, democratic elections and the free movement of gay people.”

The British Press Baron Who Hates Britain

2 Oct
Rothermere

Jonathan Harmsworth, 4th Viscount Rothermere, proprietor of the Daily Mail, giving evidence to the Leveson Inquiry. Despite being one of Britain’s wealthiest men he pays no tax in the UK. His great-grandfather worshipped Hitler. The Daily Mail supported Hitler and Oswald Mosley in the 1930s

His great-grandfather called Hitler “Adolf the Great”

As the winds of war blew across Europe, one of the most powerful men in Britain was in secret communication with Adolf Hitler, the Nazi leader who would soon plunge the world into six years of mass murder and starvation.

It was June 1939, just months away from the outbreak of the Second World War. The would-be British traitor was Harold Harmsworth, 1st Viscount Rothermere, proprietor of the Daily Mail and the Daily Mirror.

Rothermere’s titles were the only national newspapers to support Oswald Mosley’s British Union of Fascists. Away from the limelight, Rothermere maintained regular fawning correspondence with Hitler and top Nazi leaders. He even paid a retainer of £5,000 a year – a small fortune in those days – to a London society hostess who was a secret Nazi agent in the hope she would gain him access to Hitler’s inner circle.

“My Dear Führer, I have watched with understanding and interest the progress of your great and superhuman work in regenerating your country,” Rothermere wrote to Hitler in June, 1939. “The British people, now like Germany strongly rearmed, regard the German people with admiration as valorous adversaries in the past, but I am sure that there is no problem between our two countries which cannot be settled by consultation and negotiation.”

Rothermere had earlier congratulated Hitler on his invasion of the Czech Sudetenland in October 1938.  “Frederick the Great was a great popular figure in England. May not Adolf the Great become an equally popular figure? I salute Your Excellency’s star which rises higher and higher.” 

Rothermere-and-Hitler1

The 1st Viscount Rothermere and friend

Today, the Daily Mail is owned by Rothermere’s great-grandson, Jonathan Harmsworth, a billionaire supporter of the Conservative Party who inherited the Associated Newspapers media empire when he was just 29 years old.

We know what his great-grandfather believed in, but what does Rothermere Jr believe in? The answer should disturb everyone who loves Britain.

Because the current Lord Rothermere is a traitor who obstinately refuses to pay a penny of income tax in Britain. He is one of the hundred wealthiest men in the country, but while his newspapers attack “scroungers” and “tax-dodgers” the good lord lives off the riches of his £1.3bn fortune in comfy tax exile, flitting between his luxury homes in France, Japan and the United States.

Shortly before his death in 1998, Roethermere Jr’s father Vere, the 3rd Viscount, declared himself a republican – the same crime committed by Ed Miliband’s father and for which he was eviscerated in this week’s Daily Mail – twice.

Blackshirts

Does Rothermere share the racist and anti-Monarchist tendencies of his treacherous forbears? Young Jonathan has been strangely silent about the Nazi-loving flirtations of the 1st Viscount Rothermere and the republican, tax-dodging practices of his own father. You would think that anyone with such a dreadful family history would want to go out of their way to disown and repudiate the criminal actions of their great-grandfather, but Jonathan says nothing.

v2-Miliband-MAIL2

Fathers and sons. The Daily Mail’s vicious attack on the dead father of Labour leader Ed Miliband

Meanwhile, a glance at the pages of the Daily Mail tell you all you need to know.