Archive | August, 2013

Clinton “seeking treatment” for award addiction

9 Aug
Clinton-Obama

Obama with his insatiable predecessor. “I want one this big”

(Washington, August  9) “My name is Bill, and I’m addicted to awards” – that was the shock admission from former US President Bill Clinton as he announced he was entering the Idi Amin Clinic for medal dependency.

Clinton has received countless honorary degrees and awards since he left office. This week President Barack Obama announced he had named Clinton as a recipient of this year’s Presidential Medal of Freedom.

But Clinton admitted that the medal would bring little satisfaction despite being America’s highest civilian honour.

“I have to have a new one at least once a week – a medal, an honorary degree or something similar – or I get desperate,” said Clinton. “Sometimes I roam the streets of small European countries just so they’ll put up a statue of me. I like the big ones best.”

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Standing tall in Kosovo

A 10-foot-high statue of the former president giving what some unkind critics have described as a Nazi salute towers over Bill Clinton Boulevard in Pristina, the capital of Kosovo. A more modest likeness of Clinton teeing off at golf commemorates his visit to the Irish coastal village of Ballybunion in 1998 at the corner of Main St and Church Rd.

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Addressing the ball in Ballybunion

Clinton has also received the US Medal for Distinguished Public Service, a J. William Fulbright Prize for International Understanding, a TED Prize and a Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album for Children.

In June, Israeli President Shimon Peres awarded him with that country’s Presidential Medal of Distinction.

“The crazed need for public recognition and meaningless medals is a distressing condition common among former presidents which can lead to diary overload, travel sickness and the need for a specially-reinforced jacket,” said a counsellor at the Idi Amin Clinic.

“Feeding the addiction only encourages them to create elaborate fantasies in which they return to power through the election of a friend or family member – even a spouse.”

“Jimmy Carter has been treated here many times but is still hanging out with a nasty gang called The Elders wreaking all kinds of havoc,” he said.

“We are hoping we can wean Clinton off this dangerous dependency and onto healthier pursuits more becoming of his unique legacy, like drugs and sex,” he added.

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Amazon Washington Post Bargain

5 Aug

Wash Post Amazon

Strauss-Kahn tipped as new Bank of Israel Governor

5 Aug

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(Jerusalem, August 5) Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced former IMF official and onetime front-runner for President of France, has been tipped to become the new governor of the Bank of Israel after the two previous choices withdrew their candidacy amid scandal over their private life.

“Our two previous choices withdrew following embarrassing revelations about their sex lives and brushes with the law. Strauss-Kahn has none of those problems – he is completely unashamed of his legal and sexual issues and we respect that,” Israeli Finance Minister Yair Lapid wrote on his Facebook page.

“We are looking for a world-ranked economist who is accustomed to being involved in the type of fiasco that the selection of the Bank of Israel governor has become. Strauss-Kahn is the obvious choice,” Lapid posted in a photo-caption on Instagram.

“It’s not that we’re desperate – but we’re desperate,” Lapid Tweeted, displaying the mastery of social media and sophisticated irony that made him one of Israel’s most successful media stars and one of its least convincing cabinet ministers.

Strauss-Kahn’s penchant for instant couplings with anonymous women is widely admired in Israel, where presidents, police chiefs, cabinet ministers and generals have been engaged in a long-running competition to abuse as many young women as they can.

“I can recommend Tel Aviv as the perfect place for Strauss-Kahn to spend his twilight years of sexual gluttony,” Lapid tweeted. “The city that never sleeps is a natural home for the man who sleeps with anyone.”

“A little French”

Strauss-Kahn is said to have told friends: “It’s high time the Israelis had a little French.”

Karnit Flug, the current Bank of Israel deputy governor who has been passed over twice for the top job because she is a woman, was last night re-considering her decision to resign in light of Strauss-Kahn’s possible arrival.

“I am not wedded to a low interest rate,” said Flug. “I only know Dominique by reputation but his presence may well spur an increase in yields.”

“I’m not the kind of woman who would restrict growth by weakening upward pressure,” she added.

Barcelona FC Replace Blair as Middle East Peace Envoy

3 Aug

Barca Israel

(Jerusalem, August 3) Barcelona FC have arrived in the Middle East to replace Tony Blair as the Quartet peace envoy.

“Blair tried his best, but he is not a natural striker. Besides, this is a tough challenge and 11 people are better than one,” Barcelona President Sandro Rossell told reporters on arrival at Ben-Gurion airport.

“Spain has a rich history of persecuting both Jews and Muslims, so we are perfectly positioned to mediate in the Middle East,” he added.

The team began shuttling between Tel Aviv and Ramallah on Saturday. They hope to inject new life into the peace process by carrying out all their negotiations with under-16s on both sides, and keeping all the talks in the open air.

“We are focusing on the next generation,” said Barcelona star Lionel Messi. “They want to get out of the meeting-rooms onto the pitch and work on their dribbling. We can help with that.”

Messi said the team would do better than Miguel Moratinos, the last Spaniard to act as Quartet envoy.

“His defensive work was OK but his passing was terrible,” said Messi.

“As for the Palestinians, a lot of their attacks led to own goals,” Messi added.

The team travelled straight to Dura stadium near Hebron where Gerard Pique addressed an enthusiastic crowd.

“The Israeli defence is good but we can help you get around that wall,” declared Pique. “We will also be working on shooting skills.”

Jibril Rajoub, president of the Palestinian Football Association, said Barcelona would breathe new life into the Middle East peace process.

“This is a land of two halves,” said Rajoub.

UPDATE: Qatar says “We are proud to own them both.” (HT @JSchanzer)