Archive | July, 2013

Pigs Call for Roger Waters Boycott

29 Jul

The offending inflatable suspended above a recent Roger Waters concert. "Associating us with evil capitalists and communists at the same time is just stupid"

The offending inflatable suspended above a recent Roger Waters concert. “Associating us with evil capitalists and communists at the same time is just stupid”

(London, July 29) Pigs worldwide have denounced as “insulting and degrading” an inflatable black porker suspended above the stage on a recent European tour by former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters.

They have called for an international boycott against Waters, citing his “animalist” behaviour.

The inflatable swine was decorated with graffiti of various unpopular groups including oil companies, communists and Jews.

“It’s high time people stopped using pigs as an acronym for all things bad,” said Napoleon Squealer, a spokesperson for the Three Little Pigs (TLP), a porcine pressure group. “We’re not just dumb animals.”

“It’s high time that Waters and other animalists excised phrases like ‘chauvinist pig’ and ‘greedy pig’ from their vocabularies,” said Squealer. “Data shows that pigs are highly intelligent and clean animals. We can’t help it if we smell. Waters wouldn’t exactly give off a bouquet of roses after living for weeks in his own shit.”

The cover of Pink Floyd's Animals. "We were flattered. Now we realize the music is crap"

The cover of Pink Floyd’s Animals. “We were flattered. Now we realize the music is crap”

“Associating us with evil capitalists and communists at the same time is just stupid. Painting a Jewish star of David on a pig means what, exactly?” he asked.

TLP was formed in response to the publication of George Orwell’s Animal Farm in which many pigs thought they were unfairly portrayed as lying, manipulative, homicidal bastards. Since then it has campaigned largely behind the scenes to reduce the amount of anti-porcine references from the English language. For years they have been urging the Oxford English Dictionary to remove a definition of “swine” that TLP says is “offensive and outdated.”

A modernist splinter movement, Pig in a Blanket (PAB), was created a decade ago after a rift over the phrase “the whole hog.” Older pigs view the phrase as negative, while a younger generation has embraced it and made it their own.

TLP’s greatest success was the replacement in most professional sports events of the traditional football made from a pig’s bladder by a wholly synthetic model crafted by child slave labourers in the Third World.

Squealer said their problems with Waters began with the release of “Pigs on The Wing” on Pink Floyd’s 1977 album Animals with its famous cover art showing an inflatable pig suspended between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station in London.

“We were flattered, to be honest, by the cover of that album but he’s gone too far with this inflatable. Also, since it’s no longer the 1970s and we’ve stopped taking drugs, we now realize that Waters’ music is, well, crap.”




King David’s “Hotel” Discovered in Jerusalem

28 Jul
King David's "Hotel" - hiding in plain sight

King David’s “Hotel” – hiding in plain sight

(Jerusalem, July 28) Archaeologists announced a spectacular discovery today – a monumental building that scholars believe is the ancient hostel where the biblical King David stayed during vacations in Jerusalem.

“This is the most important biblical discovery in history,” declared Professor Anat Bizarre. “It’s like finding David’s harp – which we expect to do next week.”

Prof Bizarre described the building as “a large, square structure of well-cut stones with several hundred rooms” on a hill overlooking the historic walled Old City of Jerusalem. Ironically, the building has been hiding in plain sight but no-one realized its significance – until now.

Prof Bizarre said the presence of so many rooms was an early indication that the researchers had found something special, but their hopes were realized when they identified a simple plaque bearing the name of the building above what appeared to be its front door.

“It said, quite simply, ‘King David Hotel’ –  and that confirmed our hypothesis,” said the professor.

She said she had been searching for the hotel for 20 years after discovering that the road in which it stood was called King David Street. “That was a strong clue,” she said. Prof Bizarre said she might have found the hotel earlier if the street signage in Jerusalem had been more helpful.

“The signs are useless and my team keeps getting lost. We are still searching for a city bus map. It must be here somewhere,” she said.

One of the sumptuously-decorated rooms where King David may have composed many of his psalms

One of the sumptuously-decorated rooms where King David may have composed many of his psalms

Further examination yielded even more treasures – menus describing the exact food and drink that the biblical monarch liked to eat and a health centre and spa where he must have spent much of his leisure time. The complex contained sumptuously-decorated public rooms where scholars believe King David may have composed many of his famous psalms – a sort of biblical version of rap.

Archaeologists also found a large dining room, a swimming pool and even a concierge desk and check-in counter, much like those still in use today.

There also appeared to be bomb damage to one wing of the building which scholars suggest may have been an attempt by the Romans to destroy the edifice in an apparent effort to erase all traces of the ancient Israelite presence in Jerusalem.

“They didn’t have Photoshop in those days,” Prof Bizarre explained.

The current owners of the building said they were delighted by the news of their new historical connection. “This probably means we can charge even more than $400 a night,” said a spokesman. “Cool.”


Kerry’s Mobile “Blair” App

23 Jul
Kerry earphones
(Jerusalem, July 23) US Secretary of State John Kerry has revealed the secret sauce behind his recent success in re-starting long-stalled peace talks between Israelis and Palestinians after years of frustration – and why he had to fly back and forth to Washington six times in four months.
A new mobile app on Kerry’s phone warns him each time Tony Blair is about to enter the region, giving the secretary of state ample warning to leave the area. By avoiding Blair, who has been based in Jerusalem for six years with no apparent results, Kerry was able to re-start the logjammed peace process within months of taking office.
“Most new apps rely on ‘big data’ that is crowd-sourced from millions of users,” one of the NSA developers of the Blair app explained. “But the technology here is very specific and so much harder to deploy. It needs to track the movements of a highly mobile former prime minister flitting around the world in first class in real time. It’s a major technological challenge.”
Kerry is said to be so delighted with the success of the Blair app he has ordered an upgrade that will help him avoid other troublesome international figures. The app makers recently recorded a second sale of the Blair avoidance technology, to a Judge Cherie Booth.
“If only Hillary had used Android, she would have beaten me to the punch,” Kerry told friends.

Holy Cliff Sighted In Tel Aviv

12 Jul

cliff-mummy(TEL AVIV, July 11) Thousands of middle-aged Israeli women descended on Tel Aviv on Thursday to witness a rare sighting of an ancient piece of rock revered as The Holy Cliff.

Fanatical disciples, some as young as their early 50s, sported the traditional hairdos, sequined denim jackets and painted faces of their tribe.

The Cliff led his entranced followers through recitals of his most famous hymns. They included “Bachelor Boy” – a prophecy that shocked his many female admirers when it was issued in his teens declaring he would never marry, and “The Young Ones” – an ironic statement on the average age of his audience.

While their Philipino care-givers danced in the aisles, the audience tapped their walking sticks in time to the music, which featured The Cliff himself on zimmer frame.

Archaeologists have hailed The Cliff as the finest example of mummification yet discovered outside ancient Egypt. He appeared hardly to have aged since his last miraculous appearance in the Holy Land 25 years earlier – a miracle that has led him to be dubbed “The Shimon Peres of Pop.”

“This kind of rock is extremely rare and hardly ever seen outside the Eurovision Song Contest,” an Israeli rock critic told The New York Times via a Twitter exchange between iPhone and Android, copied and pasted by the reporter into a Word file before emailing his story as he drank a cup of coffee with sugar but no milk and a muffin on the side.

Western Wall Women: Round 3

7 Jul


Police holding back W4W protesters, May 2013

Police holding back W4W protesters, May 2013

An epic showdown is brewing at the Western Wall on Monday morning as Women of the Wall and Women for the Wall face off for their third round.

Read the full story HERE

Friday poll: Worst political combover

5 Jul

Netanyahu apologizes for lack of stupidity over Egypt

4 Jul
Netanyahu: "Sorry for not being stupid"

Netanyahu: “Sorry for not being stupid”

ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN NETANYAHU today apologized to the Jerusalem international press corps for the absence of any stupid comments by his government over the fall of President Morsi in Egypt.

“I am deeply sorry that my ministers have failed to say anything dumb today about Egypt,” said Netanyahu. “They have failed to fulfill their solemn duty to keep you guys on the front pages and at the top of news broadcasts even while there is mayhem all around.”

“We have fewer idiots without Shas”

Top Jerusalem bureau chiefs, struggling to justify why they have a dozen reporters covering Israel and Palestine compared to just one or two for the entire continent of Africa, have for years depended on misguided outbursts from Israeli leaders to keep them in the spotlight while hundreds of thousands die of war, disease or malnutrition in Africa, the Syrian government slaughters 90,000 of its citizens,  and the rest of the Middle East tears itself apart.

Responding to an official protest from the Foreign Press Association, Netanyahu promised to do better in future, adding: “Without Shas and the neo-Kahanists in the coalition we have fewer idiots, which causes some difficulties, but we are pleased with the progress being made by Deputy Defense Minister Danny Danon.”

Asked where Danon was in the crucial hours following the coup in Egypt on Wednesday evening, Netanyahu said: “Even Danny is entitled to the occasional vacation.”

“Either one of my cabinet ministers or an unnamed ‘senior security official’ will make a dumb comment by the weekend, or I will tell Sara to sack the housekeeper,” Netanyahu promised.