Israel Police Suspect Price Tag’s Role in Missing Apostrophe

9 May

Writers

Israel’s literary police have launched a nationwide hunt after a key apostrophe went missing from the 20 14 Writers’ Festival in Jerusalem.

“I looked at all the material for the festival and it had just disappeared,” said Inspector Jasper Fforde.

Insp Fforde said several lines of inquiry are being followed.

“We are speaking to ultra-orthodox activists who we suspect may find the apostrophe too feminine to appear in public in Jerusalem,” he said. “We also fear that Palestinian militants may have stolen it for use in a planned terror strike, or right-wing Israelis may have taken it in a ‘price-tag’ attack.”

“But the most likely culprits are Israelis, who tend to put apostrophes everywhere except the place they are supposed to go,” he said.

When the Assads met QE2

16 Apr
Bashar Queen

Her Maj: “Where will you collect the election votes?”
Asma: “Bullet boxes.”

MORE EXCLUSIVE EXTRACTS FROM THEIR CONVERSATION HERE:

DRESSED TO KILL: WHEN THE ASSADS MET QUEEN ELIZABETH

Kerry’s weekend rendezvous

6 Dec

Fancy that! From the Press Pool report on John Kerry’s remarks after meeting President Mahmous Abbas, Ramallah, December 5, 2013

Kerry Satan

Outcry as Israel steals Thanksgiving

28 Nov

Thanksgiv-1

(Tehran, September 28) IRAN’ S SUPREME LEADER called on the international community to condemn what he described as “an outrageous act of cultural imperialism by the Zionist enemy” – the hijacking of Thanksgiving by the Jewish state.

“We declare our firm solidarity with our new friend John Kerry and his pioneer forebears. We stand shoulder to shoulder with the American people as they resist this Zionist takeover of the hallowed turkey-slaughtering festival of the American people,” said supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei.

He was responding to the brazen attempt by Zionists to combine the Thanksgiving holiday with the Jewish festival of Channukah.

“Is it Hanuka, Channukah or Honecker?” demanded Khamenei to roars of approval. “No-one even knows how to spell the damn thing!”

“We say to the Zionists: Take your filthy oil-based foodstuffs to the wintry days of December, where they belong, and allow our American allies to celebrate their genocide of the Native American Homelanders without interference!” he added.

The Iranian leader was addressing thousands of ordinary Iranians who had come to bathe in the heavy water facility at Arak as part of a Plutonium Peace Party organized to celebrate the recent Geneva agreement under which Iran will be allowed to slaughter as many people as Bashar Assad.

The funniest Amazon review ever?

22 Nov

Amazon logo

Veet
Customer Reviews
6,825 of 7,054 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Oh the shame…., 3 July 2012
By
A. Chappell (Denmark) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 (HT Linda Grant)

10 years of empty predictions: Vote for your favourite Third Intifada Prophet

3 Nov
Diskin

Former Shin Bet chief Yuval Diskin: A late run for the coveted top prophet spot

Yuval  Diskin, the former head of Israel’s Shin Bet secret service, has joined the swelling ranks of the Third Intifada Prophecy Support (TIPS) Group.

“All conditions are there for a Palestinian mass to rise up,” Diskin wrote in Yedioth Ahronoth this weekend.

It was a bold play for a prominent position in the overcrowded TIPS club, which includes many leading Middle East commentators and politicians.

The “Third Intifada” industry has been a colossal failure of punditry, outranking the “Palestinian Arab Spring” commentary club and the “King Abdullah’s days are numbered” round table.

But media pundits are paid to entertain and dazzle, not to be accurate. Which of the many predictions of a third intifada made on such a regular basis since (I kid you not) 2003 actually had you going? Steven A. Cook in The New Republic in 2009? Tony Karon in Time in 2010? Or Richard Cohen’s late run in The New York Times in 2013?

OK, they were all wrong, but which was the most convincing? Do you have your own favourite? Add it to the comments below and take a moment to vote for your choice as the best Third Intifada Prophet in our exclusive reader poll.

  • “Reopening the Temple Mount to non-Muslims would lead to a third intifada against Israel, one of Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat’s top aides warned Sunday. Ahmed Abdel Rahman, a senior political adviser to Arafat, said: ‘This could be the trigger for a third intifada.’ – Jerusalem Post, May 18, 2003
  • “The third Intifada could be looming like an approaching tsunami.” – Fred Schlomka, Jordan Times, May 25, 2006
  • “The ongoing brutality and harassment are fuelling a growing tension that will likely one day explode into a third intifada.” – Anna Baltzer, Electronic Intifada, April 30, 2007
  • “With a month left to go before the Annapolis summit, the Palestinians and Israelis are already basing their projections on the likelihood of it failing. And as different as these may be, they all proceed from the expectation of a third Intifada in the immediate aftermath of its collapse.” – Saleh Al-Naami, Al-Ahram Weekly, October 17, 2007
  • “Get ready for the third intifada.” – Haaretz editiorial, March 2, 2008
  • “A senior Palestinian official says Israeli government is prompting a new “intifada” (uprising) among Palestinians by its settlement expansion in the West Bank.” – Press TV, September 6, 2009
  • “The situation in the occupied Palestinian territories, especially East Jerusalem, is balanced on a knife edge and could erupt at any moment into a new explosion of violence or even a third intifada.” – Hussein Ibish, The Daily  Star, October 13, 2009
  • “The dynamics of Palestinian politics indicate that a third intifada is likely to erupt in the near future. ” – Steven A. Cook, New Republic, November 16, 2009
  • “Fatah had (sic) made a strategic decision to declare a third intifada against Israel, movement officials told Nazereth-based newspaper Hadith Anas, citing the failed peace talks as the reason for their resolution.” – Jack Khoury, Haaretz, November 20, 2009
  • “Some Palestinians are speaking about the possibility of a third Intifada, or uprising.” – Erika Solomon, Reuters, March 1, 2010
  • “Last Friday’s confrontations between Israeli police and stone-throwing Palestinian youths in Jerusalem may be a portent that the latest round of peace talks could, in fact, be starting under the cloud of a looming intifadeh.” – Tony Karon, TIME, March 8, 2010
  • Is third intifada a stone’s throw away? – Omar Karmi, The National, March 21, 2010
  • “It seems the break out of a third intifada is only a matter of time. Friday could be the day the phoenix rises from the ashes.” – Malik Samara, Al Akhbar, September 26, 2010
  • “Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says a third intifada could break out over failed negotiations between the Palestinian Authority and Israel.” – Haaretz, January 23, 2011
  • “Third Intifada Underway” – Dr. Ashraf Ezzat, Salem-News, May 8, 2011
  • “If Adnan is to die, a third intifada is to rise.” – Richard Falk, UN Special Rapporteur on Situation of Human Rights in Palestine, to Ahram Online, February 17, 2012
  • “All of the incidents reveal a clear trend – we’re facing an intifada. The hunger-striking prisoners and the tense demonstrations, the violent clashes during which Palestinian civilians are killed, and the frozen peace process – all indicate that we’re sitting on a barrel of dynamite. It may very well be that Jaradat’s death will turn out to have been the match that lit it.” – Kadoura Fares, quoted in The Times of Israel, February 24, 2013
  • “The Hamas leader warned that Obama’s visit to al-Aqsa Mosque — Islam’s third holiest site — if accompanied by Israeli security forces will have ‘catastrophic ramifications on the current political situation.’ Bardawil predicted that a third intifada is on the horizon.” – Abeer Ayyoub, Al-Monitor, February 28, 2013
  • “A new spasm of fruitless violence, perhaps even a third intifada, is possible.” – Roger Cohen, New York Times, July 22, 2013

20 Years of Goodbyes – Collect the full set of Saeb Erekat resignations

1 Nov
SaebErekat Now

SAEB EREKAT: Can it really be goodbye, or is it just “au revoir” like all the other times?

Which is your favourite Saeb Erekat resignation? Now you can collect the full set of Jericho bombshells, going back more than 20 years!

BREAKING, BREAKING, BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 22 (Ma’an)

AND…. HE’S BACK!

Another Palestine Liberation Organization official will replace Shtayyeh and join Chief Negotiator Saeb Erekat in a negotiation session scheduled for next week.

BREAKING, BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 17 (AFP)

The Palestinian negotiating team led by Saeb Erekat resigned in protest although their resignation was never formally accepted by Abbas.

“The delegation to the talks handed in its resignation which we have still not accepted,” he told AFP, saying the leadership had not yet decided what to do about it.

BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 14 (PLO)

“This time it’ s for real” says PLO

BREAKING UPDATE, Nov 3 (Haaretz)

Chief Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat backtracks on threats to resign

COLLECT THE FULL SET

Slide9

Latest hit: October 2013

Slide1

Trial by Television: Al-Jazeera’s “Palestine Papers” in 2011

Slide3

Roadmap to nowhere: 2003 hit

Slide8

A little help from my friends: 2002 group exit

Slide5

Group offer rejected: an earlier attempt in 2002

Slide6

When you gotta go… you sometimes can’t. 1998

Slide4

1993: Brave first attempt that launched a 20-year career of resignations

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.